Procrastinate -transitive verb
: to put off intentionally and habitually
intransitive verb
: to put off intentionally the doing of something that should be done

I'm a procrastination addict...it is so much who I am that, in general, I do it and don't even know it. (Ex: This being my 1st DA journal entry!!) However, I realized yesterday that to a lot of people it may seem like I don't care or that something isn't 'top priority'/important to me/etc. So while I'm perfectly happy in my procrastination-driven world I'm going to make an effort to do today what I could put off until tomorrow.


In other news...


I'M GOING TO ENGLAND IN A LITTLE OVER A MONTH!!!! *JOY*

I'm so excited about it that it nearly makes me insane if I think about it for too long. I met someone there and if I believed in past lives I definitly would have known him in another lifetime. It was instantaneous and insane and random and in all that was this glorious feeling of rightness. I can't explain it....because there are no words that could.

In the midst of all that rightness though there is that fear of screwing it all up...not being 'good enough'...all that stupid insecurity that I've worked so hard to overcome. I hate that...I hate feeling like I'm not worth it...not good enough...pretty enough...fat/ugly/stupid and all that crap that I had shoved down my throat for so long. And while on one hand this person makes me feel 'erfect' it's me who starts to focus on the imperfections -worrying which one it will be that turns him away. It's a nasty, self-loathing road and I really just want to purge it all from my life.

And then there are all those 'friends/family' that reinforce all that crap....so many people have said 'don't rush it'...'remember past mistakes'...'don't jump into the first cart that comes along'....etc...etc. Though for me it really feels like I rushed into something previously and with an insane amount of grit and determination 'stuck it out' for over 6 years. Meanwhile, all along it was never right for me, never would have been and I'd probably have gotten back on that cart if I hadn't been for the fact that I finally feel like I've found someone who completely understands that I don't want to ride in an f'ing cart at all and makes me feel worthy enough to have my own horse! Never settle for what's around at the time because you don't think you're worth what your heart truly desires!!!!

So now that I've dumped all that glorious information out there that no one probably cares about I feel a bit better...angry, determined; but in the end better...